On recovery

I read somewhere that sufferers of ED never stop having feelings or urges to fall back into old habits. For them, recovery is finding the self discipline to reject those irrational thoughts to stay clean. It’s a tough roller coaster of internal discombobulation (eloquence is obviously not my strong suit right now) and I’m not sure it ever gets easier.

Twos and Fours

It’s been two weeks since my last cig and four weeks until my first 10k. I’m finally starting to excited for summer! (I know, it’s about time!)

I’ve had some good workouts this week and I’m really working on staying on the right track. It’s difficult but I make it a little easier with new clothes and new toys..

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Dragged myself out of bed for a morning run, just so I could wear my cute Underarmour tank top 🙂 the scenery and the weather made it an extra great run. I love pushing my self during a workout and finishing to see a sheen of sweat on my shoulder and arms- there is something extra satisfying about seeing the immediate result of my workout.

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And I finally bought myself the heart rate monitor I’ve been eyeing– it’ll be a worthwhile investment if I get into the habit of using it regularly. One of the drawbacks of running outside or spinning is that you don’t really know how your workout is going quantitatively so it’s great to track how your body is making out during an intense sweat session. I’m at the point in my new toy phase where I want to do every exercise under the sun to see why my heart rate and calorie burn is for each activity. PSA: the LifeFitness machines over estimate your calorie burn by about 20%. I burned about 95 for one mile on the treadmill.. Not bad, but I really want to see how running compares to spinning.

I also enjoy changing up the scenery during my workouts– different gym, different activity, etc.

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Working out with a view at the 86th and Lex NYSC roofdeck.

I signed up for the Queens 10k a couple months ago, thinking that I’d have enough time to get ready for it.. But obviously I’ve been slacking on that front. I really need to fit in a good long run soon– most training plans online begin six to eight weeks before the run. …Oops! I’m excited to have a goal though– training officially begins this week!

To new ends and new beginnings

Today is my first full day cig free AND earlier this week:

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Nearly a PR and most definitely the best I’ve been in a really long time. I’m excited for the comeback, for a fitter, healthier, more confident self, free from any doubt and shame. I’ve still got some diet kinks to work out and I really need to get out into my own kitchen, but for now, I’m working with what I’ve got.

bananas!

It’s so satisfying to notice progress, whether it’s running the whole 3.5 miles without stopping or realizing that this time last year, I couldn’t eat the post-race banana for fear of surpassing my daily caloric limit. I might be moving at a snail’s pace, but progress is progress.

The finish line at the JP Morgan Corporate Challenge:

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Still chasing

Lately, I’ve been trying to get back to a healthy place where I’m happy with my body. Last year, I went through an intense phase of working out and eating clean but that obsession ultimately became an unhealthy focus in my life. Since then, I’ve volleyed between that level of obsession and a relative level of disregard for my body. Now that summer is here and I am finally feeling warmth in my bones, I have no more excuses. It’s time to get back on track. In trying to cement this potentially fleeting resolve to return some semblance of health to my life, I’ve poured over countless fitblrs and before-and-after pictures of fellow journeywomen, awakening both a jealousy and a sense of urgency to follow in their footsteps and I can already feel myself falling into the same pit of obsession.

In a moment of solitude and reflection, I’m realizing now that I need to focus on drawing inspiration from myself, establishing goals that are true to me, listening to my body and pushing my body to my own limits. Weightloss is a slightly less magnificent goal for me this time around, probably because I’m realizing that I’ll develop far more lasting changes by adopting a less restrictive diet, along with truly understanding my muscles instead of calorie counting with a disturbing fervor.

All this to say, I’m going to be my own inspiration because while other people’s stories can provide the hope, I provide the sweat:

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